Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
