you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
