I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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