The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
