I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize