Do you still have your period?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
