A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
