I feel great
I just peed on a car
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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