i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
