OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
