He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If I die, sorry about rent.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
