Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
