So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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