I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
