Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
