I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
