these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
