If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
