I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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