I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
