I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
