The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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