Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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