Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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