That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
