can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
