I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
