we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
