That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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