ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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