I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
