just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
