sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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