I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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