i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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