If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
