i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
