does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
