12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
