Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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