u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
