did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
