apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
