I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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