I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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