just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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