Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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