I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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