there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize