Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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