Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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