I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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