Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
