Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Randomize
