i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
