I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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