My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize