I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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