Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
