My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
where am i from again
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
